Much Too Bright: At Peace with the Struggle and Moving On

I recently spent my week in "paradise" at Nimrod Arts Program. The week long retreat has been my moment to be my "truest" self during the doctoral work I have been doing in educational leadership and the teaching I do during the school year. The past two years have been explosions of creativity, iced with lots of insights and back slaps for the work I did. This year wasn't the same. I had been feeling a little restless. Like maybe I wasn't learning as much as I could with my paintings.

I decided before going this year to experiment in some way on every painting I did.

This can be a really difficult way to approach your "art" whether it is art or teaching. By trying to get outside of the box on every painting I wasn't able to be "really" happy with much of the work. I questioned my personal vision, "What should I do next?" and my vision said, "Ummm, I don't know." I feel like I made strong paintings but they don't live fully in the world I envision for them. I struggled, all the way through. Then, when I tried an approach I was comfortable with, I felt like I let myself down. It was a tough summer.

I have felt like this with my teaching before. Actually, I have felt this way a lot. Especially in the past year. I was tring to grow this past year but much of what I tried failed. Then when I tried what I knew would work, I was surrounded with criticism from myself and others involved in my classroom. I felt like I wasn't learning.

So I have decided that I need to try something new this year. I am going to leave the classroom. I have decided to take a job as Childhood Development Specialist with the my Head Start program. I will supervise about 12 teachers and 12 assistants. I have been pursuing my doctorate in educational leadership. Now I will get a chance to see if I am really a transformative leader like I have been trying to learn to be in work and school. I will work with the leadership team to support teachers through professional development, team work, and relationships. Oh, and to try out some 21st Century skills with teachers.

It should be an interesting year. Now for the art. I wonder what will happen.

The painting above is titled: On the Edge

Much Too Bright: Fear and the Unknown

On Friday I posted on my Facebook status, "John is getting up the gumption to paint again. It is scary like 7 year old thunder storm scary." The hardest part is getting started again especially when the painting sitting unfinished on my easel is not working the way I hoped.

When I was a kid my Grandmother (the creative one) had themes that she would repeat to me. Only when I got older did I understand what they met. One theme was: Go West Young Man. When I got in my teenage and college years I understood, she was saying, "follow your dreams." or something close. Another theme was the nursery rhyme, "Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn, the sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn. Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? Under the haystack fast asleep." Was it just a nursery rhyme? Yes but, it was also along the same theme as Go west! Don't let life slip by.

Whenever I face possibility of picking up the brush again I feel a fear that is just enough to push painting out of my mind while school, or grad school, or life is happening, the fear of the un-built canvas. If I don't have any canvases built it is like a paralyzing feeling because I can't reach down, pick up the next painting and rush head long into it without thinking about the unknown. Deciding that I have to build them and committing to doing it is like another of my grandmother's theme's, The Flying Trapeze. She would sing the song and later I would think about how the amazing thing about the trapeze is the letting go of what you have and reaching out and grabbing for what you have to have faith will be there.

Going out to build those canvases is like reaching for that trapeze. I know the bar will be there, I know the paintings will come but I have to let go first and trust in the unknown future.